Novice Driver bumper stickers earn some much-needed sardonic sass.

I hate to keep revisiting this subject, but gosh darn it, the first time I did, it became one of my most popular articles.  I still get new responses every few weeks.  And the phenomenon itself just won’t go away; in fact, it seems to be getting worse.  Or better, if you agree with the effort.  Yes, it’s those infernal “Novice Driver – PLEASE BE PATIENT” yellow bumper stickers—or, since it’s 2023, bumper magnets.  Or “Student Driver”, or “Rookie Driver”, or something of a similar vein.  I first pointed it out in March 2021, when I had begun noticing them for about six months.  Apparently I was among the first on the interwebs to notice it, and the article attracted enough attention that my article is still among the first results when someone initiates a search.

These “Novice Driver” stickers annoyed me back then because I thought they were disingenuous, if not outright fraudulent.  Now they’re everywhere, and the overwhelming majority of commenters agree with me: they’re some sort of scam.  It doesn’t help that, even though they appear quite official and dead serious, these magnets are available for less than $2 a pop on Amazon.  If you have lots of cars, you’re in luck; they’re available in groups of three.  In other words, even if, at one point the past, they were a product one could earn upon completion of a drivers ed course, they’re available to anyone these days.  Most people I know agree that their intent is to curry favor and sympathy with other drivers: that we should be easy on him/her for being unfamiliar and experienced.  (The goal is to evoke sympathy from law enforcement just as much as other drivers.) I understand the reasoning, but rules are rules, and if someone is in command of a multi-thousand pound metal object capable of traveling 80 miles per hour (or more), he or she should have the rules of the road committed to memory.  Being a novice driver is not an excuse, when incompetent driving costs lives every day.

A few commenters on my previous article stated that they thought these magnets should be illegal.  Alas, the act of fancying one’s self a novice driver is not a legal condition—a huge contrast from, say, only carrying a learner’s permit.  As I noted in my feedback, simply displaying a magnet that says “Novice Driver” is no more illegal than stating “Baby On Board”, when, in fact, the baby is now twenty-three years old. 

So, when all’s said and done, I guess it’s a small relief that someone else has decided to respond to the proliferation of these stickers with some much deserved snark.  I came across this the other day in Old Town Alexandria.

I don’t know if this sticker (it’s clearly not a magnet) intends to serve as a riposte to the bogus “Novice Driver” claims, but the fact that it uses a similar shade of yellow and blocky all-caps certainly suggests it.  Maybe it’s just self-deprecating.  It might not even be honest, though, judging from the nicks and dings on the bumper, it’s not an entirely unreasonably claim.  Regardless, at least it’s less dishonest than phony appeals to clemency that come when people who have been behind the wheel for twenty years call themselves “novice drivers”.  And hopefully it’s a hint that, before too long, the jig will be up—these stickers won’t be taken seriously anywhere and they’ll cue the deserved eye-rolling.

We’re not quite there yet, but, as this sticker indicates, hope springs eternal:  After all, although it’s hard to imagine in 2023, at one point a Prius was a hip novelty.  Were we ever that young?!